it will put the color in your cheeks

My thesis is a hulking beast. It consumes me (you'll have to forgive me, dear readers, but nothing else is really going on in my life). But my supreme love for the religious studies department keeps me going strong. Last week I went to Professor Majeed's "What Matters to Me and Why" talk (btyb the Spiritual Life Program) and was completely floored. I feel lucky to have such amazing teachers who have done such amazing things.

So we're having another cold snap after the weather almost deceived me into thinking spring was here to stay (thanks, Wisconsin). Last week was porch-sitting and bicycle-riding, eating potluck dinners with friends in the grass and watching people come outside again. But now there's the threat of snow -- that's the schizophrenic weather here for you. All the better for my thesis, I suppose -- it's the ideal weather for huddling in a dark corner of the library. Still, I have to believe in the possibility of spring. I think that's the benefit of living in a cold climate: people really appreciate the warmth, they take it as an opportunity to embrace life again, feeling the parts of themselves hardened by the winter blues begin to thaw out. Slowly, slowly.

I've recently found out that a couple of my friends have been accepted for an Honors Term next semester, a special opportunity Beloit offers for graduating seniors. They will go here for free to pursue different kinds of special project. I'll probably be moving back to NYC (le grande pomme!). It's funny to think about everyone going off in their own directions, starting the next adventure. I'm hoping for sunshine.

reality sets in

Spring break was fabulous.

It was the perfect mix of relaxation and riveting activity. Highlights include: protesting the firing of the city manager of Largo, Florida because of a sex change operation (details on the story) with Anya's grandmother; attending a strawberry festival in Plant City, winter strawberry capital of the world; and just plain sitting on the beach in 80-degree sunshine.

My hair is blonder now. It makes me happy.

Despite worries that we would arrive back in Beloit amidst a vicious snowstorm (just our luck), the weather was gorgeous-- 60 degrees and sunny. This made returning to the reality of homework just a bit easier. Until I spent that 60 degree day in the library. Then it was just cruel.

8 weeks left of the school year. 10 weeks until I graduate. This is nuts.

spring break, why aren't you here yet?

Half of a semester has never felt so lengthy.

This week has been kicking my butt. And it's only Tuesday.

"Substantial" rough draft of my thesis due Wednesday, Cross-Cultural Psych midterm Friday, phone interview for potential job Friday, AND I have pinkeye.

Pinkeye. Isn't that the weird sickness that small children get and spread to everyone in their path? Yes, yes it is. And now I have it. For the first time. I suddenly want to be back home in my 3 foot high bunk bed with my mother pressing a warm wet washcloth over my eyes, instead of my slightly musty-smelling dorm room, surrounded by piles of research.

They never talk about how academic research is a hazard to trees. Maybe I should stage a protest.

It was like, at least ten degrees above freezing today!

I never thought I'd love the sight of mushy brown grass so much.

It's getting warmer! Spring is hidden somewhere underneath the snow, I can feel it!

I had a fun weekend- finally got out and played like I've been needing to do. Some friends of mine who graduated last year came back to Beloit on Saturday night. They had a band while they were here, the Quick and Dirties, that covered 60s girl group pop songs. They played a reunion concert on Saturday night at the music house and it was a grand old time. Lots of people, including my fabulous co-worker Delna, to dance with and lots of cheesy tunes to clap with. It was great to dance and then to sit around the Music house into the wee hours of the morning and catch up with some old friends. There are some pretty wonderful people out there who went to this school. Some pretty wonderful people who still go here, too.

Sunday I should have done work but was instead swayed by the temptation that is Arrested Development. What an amazing work of television mastery. Humor is addicting.

just so you know what you're up against.

Warning: Liberal Arts school (particularly Beloit College) may be hazardous to a permanent sense of convictions in your beliefs.

A senior at Beloit, I often find that I don't know what to believe. I have spent the better part of 4 years absorbing theories: subscribing to some, discarding others, picking apart the reasons why I think the way that I do. Some thoughts I own, others I chalk up to the influence of my professors and friends and family. Sometimes I think I knew more about what I believed before I got here. Sometimes I feel like I too easily lose myself in the ideas of others. Sometimes it makes my head hurt.

Frustrations aside, I'm sure this will turn out to be a good thing. Right now, it's a little too cold to see past the angst.

Delna says "banana" funny.

I am going make a promise right now.

I will not, repeat, will not, only talk about my thesis on this lovely lovely blog.

But I have to a little bit. Because it's sort of taken over my life.

I'm writing my Religious Studies thesis on the need for a service-learning component in the Religious Studies curriculum here at Beloit and how to assess its value. It's an issue that's important to me, but also extremely overwhelming. Let's leave it at that.

So there's a lot of snow here. A whole lot of snow. It's fun and pretty and all that but I'm ready for a change. A good friend of mine drove into a ditch today on her way to her internship. Both she and her car are fine, but I think that's a good sign that the snow is not welcome anymore. Plus, I have tickets to a concert in Milwaukee tomorrow night, and if the weather is like this, I don't want to drive. Ditches and I have never gotten along well.

I have to bring a copy of my resume to Senior Seminar in Psychology tomorrow. You'd think with all this talk about resumes and jobs and grad school it would sink in that I'm graduating. This is not the case.

Well, I'd better go make myself look good on paper. Lord knows that's an important skill to have. Until next time, friends.

I secretly really like Grey's Anatomy

I had a bit of a panic attack on Friday.

I applied for a fellowship that would pay for me to go back to India for 10 months to work for an NGO. It was a hard application. 6(!) essays, questions like "what is your life goal?" (in 200 words). I got an extra 50 words to discuss my ideas regarding poverty and development. I added to my advisor's stress by asking her to write me a recommendation during her busiest week ever.

And I probably won't even get this fellowship. It's extremely competitive and most of the people that get it have been out of school for a few years, working to save the world, or have higher degrees than a B.A.

But the idea of not getting the fellowship was not what was freaking me out.

This small step toward any sort of future has put me into "what future?" overdrive. It's not like me to stress about things that are so far in the future (trust me, when campus is covered in snow, May seems light years away). I'm not sure that I like this side of me. Maybe it's just the winter apathy. Or the fact that my thesis has yet to take any shape aside from an amorphous blob.

Forward ho, spring!